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| Dr. Joy Davidson's Newsletter |
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Dear Reader,
Yes, you're finally reading my long-awaited first newsletter; the start of a bi-monthly feature covering sexuality, love, relationships and the convergence of sex and popular culture or media.
Thank you for your patience as I was preparing to get this project off the ground--and a special vote of appreciation to my growing network of Twitter followers whose interest helped me pick up the pace on the publication of Issue No.1.
In addition to articles like those you'll find in this Issue, my future newsletters will include featured products and toy reviews with special reader discounts, interviews with celebrity sexperts, new questions answered, film and book reviews… and so much more.
If you're not already following me on Twitter, come join me for the latest news & insights about sexuality, women, men, relationships and a host of provocative topics. Simply click here to sign on to follow my Tweets.
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In This Issue
1) Q & A: When His Bio-Clock Goes Tick-Tock, and Hers Doesn’t
2) Review of Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories edited By Susie Bright
3) Desire Discrepancies: When Your Partner Wants It More Than You Do
4) Sexual Enrichment Video: How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms and Learn to Last Longer
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When His Bio-Clock Goes Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock . . . and Hers Doesn’t
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Dear Dr. Joy,
My boyfriend and I have been together just under three years. It is a good relationship, but we seem to be at different stages in our lives. I am in my mid-20s and he's in his early 30s. He wants to settle down and begin a family now; I am on the fast career track. Both of us are passionate about not compromising what we want. When I am ready to have children, he would be exactly the right kind of father.
Recently, however, we have been talking about breaking up because in the short term our goals do not match. Is being at two different life stages reason enough to end a relationship?
Thanks,
Not Ready for Diaper Time
Dear “Not Ready,”
Are you two contemplating a marriage or a merger? Sounds to me like your partner is in a race to get his product on the market and you're holding out for more extensive research and development. Such disparate goals could throw a monkey wrench into a business transaction, but they aren't necessarily reasons to break up a love affair—unless you and he (OK, especially he) are more passionate about avoiding compromise than about each other.
On a practical basis, I support your desire to hold off having a baby until your career is stabilized. Since you are likely to end up as the primary caretaker of a child (according to stats and my observations) you’re the one whose "mother life” will most seriously impact your "other life.” Unless your man takes leave of his day job and pulls on a Mr. Mom T-shirt, his world will barely burp. While his current insistence on making a baby now may make a kind of agitated sense to him, both of you need to take stock of whether he regards your worth as an incubator and nurturer more highly than your value as his partner and lover. If so, this could and should be a deal breaker.
Of course, he might just be having momentary "daddy pangs." If the intrusive ticking of his biological clock is temporarily drowning out the zing of his heartstrings, he may need extra time and freedom to mull over his priorities and the depth of his feelings for you. Whatever truths he uncovers are best confronted now, not after you've birthed babies and clipped your career.
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Review of Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories, edited by Susie Bright
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Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories, is a book of beguiling, arousing and haunting tales edited by the mistress of sexy anthologies, Susie Bright. To merely hold the book in your hands, sliding your fingertips over the emerald ridges of its embossed face, is to feel its gothic spell bind you, slither around you, much like the serpents that grace its front cover.
Inside, you’ll find fifteen artfully composed stories in which steamy layers of suspense exude dark promises of erotic fulfillment. Reading Bitten, I chose to nibble at the tales, tasting each as if it were a delicate truffle plucked from a shiny box, savoring the nuances of flavor that swirled and melted upon my tongue. Sampling erotica of this caliber with such care seemed to excite my psyche and intellect as much as it aroused a hunger for the decadent and taboo. Sex and death; sex and the ghostly; sex and the gothic, eerie and mystical—this is Bitten’s terrain.
The very first story captivates completely, and then the reader is hooked. “The Devil's Invisible Scissors,” by television’s Supernaturalscriptwriter Sera Gamble, tells of a woman forced by Satan to seduce men as she snips away their souls. It sets the tone for the book—a wise move that implies a wealth of equal talent to come; or maybe not so wise, because the story is so tight, so wondrous and, yes, so hot, that it’s nearly unsurpassable.
"The Unfamiliar,” written by another well-known sci-fi author under the pen name Allison Lawless, is about a mature witch’s naïve niece who haplessly conjures up a lover who can change form—among other spectacular gifts.
Anne Tourney’s "The Resurrection Rose" takes us down the well-trodden literary path of blood-bondage and life eternal, only to find that familiar road strewn with such deadly thorns and erratic twists that it becomes unrecognizable.
"Cross-Town Incubus," by E.R. Stewart, is a fun piece that at once chills and delights: a young woman is entertained by an agile sexual spirit that she discovers in—of all places—her otherwise ordinary boyfriend's loft. It’s a juicy story of wish fulfillment and hearty, unapologetic lust.
Other tales are far grittier; some are cruel, and perhaps steamier for all their darkness—yet, as a cohesive volume of both literature and sexual fantasy, together they work. All in all, Bitten quickly transports readers beyond the mundane, nudging them out of their comfort zones, stretching their psyche’s boundaries, and teasing their throbbing intimate spots until certain cravings become too great to ignore.
Whether you’re a fan of the paranormal, of vampire legends or classy erotica that tugs at your imagination, you’ll surely want to take a bite out of Bitten.
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Desire Discrepancies: When Your Partner Wants It More Than You Do (Or Vice Versa)
If you’re one of the 23 million viewers who got hooked on the very first season of ABC’s Desperate Housewives, you still remember what happened when our beloved, buttoned-up, cleanaholic-Bree let her obsession with a messy taco wrapper ruin a last-ditch date with her sexually frustrated husband, Rex. You might even recall what happened when Rex failed to come clean about his sexually submissive fantasies: his tryst with the friendly neighborhood dominatrix, Bree’s flirtation with the smarmy local druggist, a mysterious potassium overdose, and Rex laid out flat in the ICU.
Though "Housewives" is a madcap souped-up soap that continues to dazzle us with over the top caricatures, the couples on the show managed from the get-go to be poster-kids for millions of ordinary folks whose sexual differences source the drama in less than lethal relationships. If you identified with the Bree of season one, you probably knew how it felt to be so distracted (or obsessed) by the details of daily life that sexual desires congealed like oatmeal on a cold back burner. If you were even a little like Rex you harbored the kind of erotic tastes that could add zest to your love life if only you shared them, yet, you couldn't--and maybe still can't--bring yourself to utter the words. If this sounds like you and your partner today, you may be wondering if you are too different to ever mesh. What’s more, if you’re the "high desire" member of the twosome, you fear that you’ll always have to contend with less pleasure than you crave. If you’re on the "low desire" side, you worry that the pressure to be different will never end. Either way, the relationship that should be your safe harbor in a stressful world is the stressful world.
Certainly, all couples deal with some degree of desire discrepancy. Even the most compatible twosomes are hardly clones who always want the same thing at the same time. Disparities can be pretty basic–-owl vs. lark or bi-weekly guy vs. weekly gal–-and these issues are easily reconciled by a dose of good-natured negotiation. However, when differences become the source or symptom of relationship malaise, resentment, or lingering discord, a couple's generosity of spirit can float away like dust moats, along with their ardor.
You've probably seen some of the news stories that have broadcast the fact that 11 million American couples are in sexless marriages. If these statistics are even close to being accurate we’re talking about an estimated 20% of married couples. Plus, there is at least another 15-20% more who hobble along in low-sex relationships; the kind where one or both of the partners settle for less sex, or despairingly less enjoyable sex, than they've always dreamed of having. (And these numbers don’t even account for unmarried long-term couples in similarly sad straits.)
Sex and marital therapists offer sensible explanations for the "sexless" phenomenon: time-crunches and fatigue, conflicts and parenting pressures, hormonal dips and surges, and the miscellaneous stresses of urban working life. These troubles, in turn, give birth to a bevy of treatments and corresponding self-help books for desperate partners. The truth, however, is that given the breadth of this issue it’s virtually impossible to offer an abracadabra solution to sexual incompatibility, let alone do it in a single article like this. Believe me, it takes a bookstore. Or a chain of them! Consequently, what I want to do now is highlight one of the core problems that affect out-of-sync sexual relationships: hidden, unspoken desires.Not only do partners differ in how often they want to make love, but like Bree and Rex they differ in the kind of sex they want.
Failing to communicate fantasies or needs means one or both partners carries fixed notions about the other’s willingness to play in their preferred sexual sandbox. The combination of non-communication and possible misattribution eventually sucks the life out of any couple’s erotic connection. Assumptions breed false arguments, too, about the frequency of sex-play, when the real issue is quality. Think about it: what’s the sense of doing more of something that’s boring, annoying or plain unfulfilling in the first place? Unless the kind of sex you’re having is acutely pleasurable, negotiations about scheduling are pointless. Yet they persist. Experts who suggest that the low desire partner express his or her love by "just doing it" are missing the bigger boat. When "it" means tolerating an experience that is undeniably bland or just reminds you of the kind of lovemaking you crave and can’t bring yourself to ask for, sexual aversion is a more likely outcome than sexual appreciation. On the other hand, the Bree-style approach to problems –- sweeping every last speck of evidence under the living room rug -– is the riskiest solution to this dilemma, since unaddressed distance in the bedroom usually translates into lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship, too. Couples withdraw affection, become more defensive, bicker, and eventually detach. Often, by the time they show up at a sex therapist’s office, the heart of the relationship has gone into spasm and the marriage is in the same condition as Rex in the show's season one finale: gasping a last breath.
Given this prognosis, talking about sexual desires is actually the lesser gamble, risky though it may seem. Even so, silence about these matters is epidemic. Each partner expects the other to speak up, to make the situation "safe." But not only is safe rarely sexy, standing back and waiting is rarely fruitful. The cliché that successful relationships are not 50-50, rather, they are 100-100 – in other words, each person needs to give 100% – is an utterly valid axiom when it comes to sexual communication. To connect with one another, each partner needs to ante up 100% courage and disclosure.
Self-revelation is certainly easiest when you actually know what you want. The trouble is, some folks don’t have a clue – they only know that, whatever it is, they aren’t getting it. You need fulfilling sexual experiences to tell you what turns you on and to be able to share your precise needs with a lover. But that doesn’t mean you can’t share your truest truths even in the absence of more knowledge. You can still say, "I’m searching; I want to learn more about myself, more about how to please myself, more about how you can please me and we can enjoy each other. Will you take this journey with me?" Reaching out, moving toward your partner, is always a powerful prescription for intimacy.
If you know exactly what you want but fear that the truth will send your partner scurrying to the airport, here’s what you need to know: anxiety is simply no excuse for avoidance. Sure, you worry that he might say, “You want me to do WHAT?" Or, she might glare at you like she smells something nasty, just as Bree did when Rex’s tryst revealed his yearnings. But in real life – unlike Hollywood dramas that subsist on episodic crises – loved ones are usually more compassionate toward their partners’ erotic confessions, especially if those confessions are revealed with a bit of finesse. Let me offer some advice about those delicate conversations:
First, it’s important to know the difference between frankness and pressure when readying yourself to share a sexual secret. Speaking up about desire can sound something like this, in the best of circumstances:
You: "I want to tell you a sexy little secret...would you like to hear it?"
Mate: "Sure, honey."
You: "When I think about making love with you, sometimes I imagine you doing this and that to me (or me doing this and that to you)."
Mate: (dead silence)
You: "How does that sound to you?"
Mate: "Ummmmm...well...Hmmmmm..."
You: "Maybe you’d just like to think about it for awhile...we can talk more later." (Kiss!)
You probably noticed that your mate in this scenario did not jump up and down at the news. But that's not the important point. What matters is that you sounded forthcoming, but not demanding, and you made room to listen to your partner’s response, or to let him/her ponder the news in silence without insisting on more. You didn’t get agitated or panicked by her lack of initial enthusiasm and you didn’t (above all) backtrack if you felt anxious, nor mumble that your desires really don’t matter that much anyway.
Anxiety about a partner’s reaction often lead to exerting counterproductive pressure--and that's what you need to avoid at all costs. Hungry to get a positive response, you might forget to consider her/his feelings or the fact that she needs time to digest new (and perhaps surprising) information. How to tell if you’re leaning too hard or just being enthusiastic? Measure your anxiety level. If it’s high, you’re probably using pressure. And if you're talking too much, you're probably pressuring. Pressure looks and feels a lot like the grown-up version of a seven-year-old asking time and again for dessert before he has even eaten dinner. To the kid there’s only one "right" answer.
Here are a few additional tips for sharing your desires:
- Don’t blurt out your fantasies or wants in the middle of having sex.
- Bring up delicate subjects (and it’s "delicate" if you are nervous about it) when both of you are relaxed and feeling connected.
- Remember: when too much information is aimed at someone all at once, their emotional brain may collapse from the overload. Spread your news gently and slowly— otherwise, an idea that would have been intriguing if introduced sensitively could elicit a defensive reaction instead.
- If anxiety gives you lockjaw, try mentioning the sexy idea you "heard about on TV," read about in a book or article, or were told about by a "friend." Where the idea allegedly originated is far less important than addressing the kind of sex that matters to you.
This article was first published and is currently available online at LoveandHealth.info
Reprint by permission only.
Newsletter © Dr. Joy Davidson 2009.
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How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms and Learn to Last Longer (Part 1 of 2)
To watch video, click here:
Or read the text version:
Welcome to the Joy Spot. I’m Dr. Joy Davidson. I’m a Health and Science advisory board member, a psychologist, and an AASECT certified sex therapist based in New York. My website isJoyDavidson.com.
You’ve probably heard – or discovered to your own delight – that women can have more than one orgasm during a single love-making session. Sometimes one climax rolls directly into another, sometimes orgasms are separated by a few seconds or minutes. Men often joke about envying women’s special capacity for having multiple orgasms. But what many don’t know is that they too have the capacity to have orgasm after orgasm without ejaculating and without losing their erection.
We don’t know how many men today can have multiple orgasms, because it hasn’t been studied much, but word has begun to get out, and as men are learning the techniques that enable them to have these experiences, the numbers are surely growing. Listen closely now, and I’m going to tell you the secret of male multiple orgasm. There are two key points about male multiples to keep in mind:
The first is that male ejaculation and male orgasm are two entirely different bodily processes, and do not have to occur at the same time. This is news to most people, so don’t be surprised if you’ve never heard it. Multiple orgasms are achieved by delaying or avoiding ejaculation, while at the same time, during the course of sexual activity, experiencing what I call "dry" orgasms – that is, the sensation of extreme pleasure that we call orgasm, minus the expulsion of fluid or loss of erection.
This leads to the second major point: male orgasms can be experienced as "full body" orgasms, involving the entire body, not just the sexual organs. This is the other side of the fact that orgasm and ejaculation are different. Think of it like this: orgasm is essentially a brain phenomenon that is connected to the entire body, not just to the genitals. Once the technique of delaying ejaculation is under control, a man can practice and learn to intensify his arousal levels during sexual stimulation to the point that his mind and body are ready to climax. With practice, he can develop ways to connect orgasms with a full body experience. But he must first be able to have control over his ejaculations.
Before I take you through a step by step process for developing this ability, I want to propose an idea that I hope will help you put the concept of non-ejaculatory orgasms in a new light.
In our society, many males first learn of sex when they have involuntary ejaculations – what we call "wet dreams." Later, when they discover deliberate masturbation, they often find that ejaculations are still somewhat involuntary – they come when they come, with little control over when that happens – and that can lead to a bad habit of coming quickly – especially if they masturbate in secret to avoid being found out, and rush to get to the goal.
Partnered sex then often reflects masturbation habits – in its goal, in its speed, and even in style of action. That means that a lot of the nuances of pleasure are lost. A major sacrifice is the high that comes from maintaining arousal for long periods of time. Men who have difficulty with coming too quickly often have never evolved past their masturbation habits, and their body’s responses have become habitual, creating problems in their relationships with partners who want sex to last longer. Learning to delay or avoid ejaculation and instead, concentrate on the surprisingly varied, subtle and intense sensations in the genitals, and emotionally and psychologically, and in the whole body, is a new and often strange concept for most men. It’s actually a paradigm shift, asking you to cherish prolonging and maximizing arousal. Extending and expanding pleasure becomes your new goal. The old endpoint – just getting off – is no longer viewed as success.
So, let’s move on to some techniques that will prepare you for multiple orgasms by teaching you how to control ejaculation. In a follow-up video, I’ll tell you how to facilitate the body’s non-ejaculatory or "dry" orgasmic response.
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