If there’s one fantasy that pops up most often among couples, it’s the ménage a trois, or “threesome.” Heterosexual couples usually enjoy toying with the idea of adding another woman to the mix, although some women prefer the thought of another man. Men, on the other hand, often shrink from a testosterone tinged triangle – not so much because they can’t handle the idea of someone else touching their wives or girlfriends, but over what it might mean if a man accidentally touched them – and they liked it! “Straight” men are indoctrinated to keep any bisexual stirrings underground, where the feelings are permitted to rumble, but not erupt. By contrast, women have plenty of permission – sometimes, even pressure – to experiment.
Given that this fantasy looms so large in our collective psyche, it’s a wonder that more couples don’t orchestrate threesomes. A recent survey indicated that 13% of Americans have participated in a three-way sexual encounter, but that’s only a small fraction of those who fantasize about it. Anxiety can be quite the adventure dampener, though. A woman may worry that she’ll like making love with another woman so much that she won’t want to stop with just one encounter. Or, what if her husband grows enamored with their playmate and his attraction threatens their relationship?
The same concerns are often voiced by lesbian women: one girlfriend worries that the other will take a little too kindly to their ménage partner, or if they invite a man into their bed, will become smitten with him and “turn” straight. So many fears abound among pleasure-seekers that it’s wise to look more closely at their source.
Can Our Relationship Survive a Threesome?
Isn’t it interesting that the same woman who wouldn’t worry about whether her relationship could survive a financial crisis or a serious illness will wonder if her relationship could be destroyed by one night’s sexual adventure?
The question itself reveals our deeply seated mistrust of unconventional passion – and even more than that, women’s embedded distrust of men. We’re not only brought up to express our sexuality in the most demure ways, but we’re reminded time and again (listen to talk radio, anyone?) that men are dogs, and unless we keep our guys on a tight leash, (while plying them with enough un-demure sex to keep them happy) they’ll drop their ethics along with their pants – and it will be our own fault.
Well, that’s plain ol’ hogwash! – but no less scary for its falsity. However, if you’re to seriously consider a threesome, you’ll need to push past this kind of lame mythology and face the truth about your own relationship. To begin, pay attention to what lies at the heart of your worries. Do they arise out of stony beliefs about what kind of sexual behavior is and is not OK? If so, the real problem is not whether the adventure will ruin your relationship, but whether you can elude your internalized morality police long enough to enjoy the experience. Do keep in mind, though, that you’re under no obligation to live out every fantasy that comes your way. Sexual adventures are not meant to be excruciating tests of your capacity to tolerate high anxiety; rather, they should be playful celebrations of love and eroticism. If you’re not ready to partake in that spirit, you’re probably better off delaying action.
You’ll also want to ask yourself whether your concerns are tangled among memories of prior betrayals. Have you or your partner actually failed to live up to agreements? Has one of you cheated, or risked the relationship over a flirtation? Was your trust abused in a previous relationship? Are you still suffering the hang-over?
If you and your partner have reasons to distrust one another, adding a new playmate could indeed be playing with fire. Likewise, if your relationship is in any sort of trouble and you’re hoping “new blood” will bond you, I suggest you let that particular fantasy fly away. Your relationship is fragile, and it’s never smart to dance on thin ice. Deal with your core problems first – perhaps in counseling. When trust returns, reconsider the alluring ménage. And, if you have a hard time saying “no” to the idea for your own sake – especially if your partner is pushy about the matter – think about the other woman. Is it fair to bring her into your muddle?
Doing It the Smart Way
Let’s say you’ve cleared all the mental obstacles and you and your sweetie are gung ho to bring your fantasy to life. The following guidelines will help you make the most of your adventure.
Choose your 3rd wisely. If this is meant to be a one time only experience, choosing someone with whom you’re already close could backfire. If you go this route, be prepared to do some sophisticated processing afterward. An intense sexual experience with a friend can change the friendship. Notice I said change, not harm, but that’s only IF all three of you have the same perspective about what the sexual experience means:
- there are no hidden agendas
- you all feel able and willing to communicate openly about any feelings that arise
- you trust each other to say what you mean, and mean what you say
Sometimes a first-time ménage is best enjoyed with someone who is seeking a single event, not a continuing friendship. Swing parties and clubs lend themselves well to fleeting get-togethers. But if you’re inclined toward more private pleasures, personal ads are useful. You’ve seen them: “couples seeking… “, or, “single woman seeks couple for…” Meet for coffee, see if you have chemistry and a similar set of desires, and go from there.
Negotiate ground rules. You and your honey need to outline the boundaries of your desires and discuss your comfort with the full range of sexual acts that could be performed with a third partner – from kissing to penetration. If you’re in a relationship with a man and you’re bisexual or bi-curious, be honest with yourself about whether the 3-way encounter is largely about your yearning to be with a woman. If you want the ménage to be your show, make sure your partner understands, and is able to support you. No matter what your private agenda, its best if you talk to one another about your visions of the perfect episode. Although real life doesn’t play out perfectly, the Ideal is always a useful place to start. Talking-through the fantasy helps to ensure that when you do hook-up with a 3rd, you don’t stumble upon unwelcome surprises, or discover that you’re working from two staggeringly incompatible scripts.
If engaging in certain sexual acts – or seeing your partner engage – is not OK with you, make explicit agreements beforehand about what you will or will not do once the sexual energy begins to flow. If you’re wishy-washy now, you can’t blame your partner for not reading your mind later. Once the two of you have discussed all the potential ins and outs, have a similar talk with your 3rd. She may have ground rules, too, and you’ll want to be sure she understands and can comply with yours.
Some couples make the mistake of thinking that the 3rd is a kind of living, breathing sex toy, a talking blow-up doll present only to serve their fantasy. Discovering that they’ve invited a real woman into their bed – one with emotions and cravings all her own – can be quite the awakening. Men aren’t the only culprits when it comes to treating women as sex objects; women have been known to out-do even the most piggish male when the novelty of the threesome provokes an unaccustomed surge of erotic hunger and the brain slides south. One woman told me that she felt miserably guilty after her first threesome; by the time she said goodnight to the woman who had rocked her world only a few hours earlier, she had already forgotten her name.
Any menage will trigger some unforeseen, inconvenient and perhaps even disturbing emotional reactions, some of which may not rise to the surface for days – even weeks. Keeping communication lines open and being mature enough to handle the fallout is a prerequisite for successful three-way play. One technique that helps keep delayed reactions to a minimum is employing a “safeword” (like “red” or just “safeword”), so that if at any time during the experience you become uncomfortable you can halt the action. Remember, safewords are there to be used by everyone. I hate to tell you how often I’ve heard one partner, after the fact, attempt to blame another for a sour experience by saying, “I didn’t use my safeword because I didn’t want to spoil your fun.” This approach is a rotten excuse for not speaking up and always creates bigger problems than it could ever solve. There can be lots more fun on other occasions only if everyone remains true to their feelings and instincts. Martyrs don’t just spoil their own sweet time, they drip vinegar on their relationships, too.
Finally, remember this: Every sexual adventure has moments that are both sublime and ridiculous, elegant and clumsy, easy and awkward – just like any other aspect of life. If you trust your partner, and, even more importantly, if you trust yourself to handle the unexpected, living out your fantasy will be illuminating at worst, and ecstatic at best.